Trust

It's been a while since I've made a post so here's a new one. So I've tried to start dating someone, and it's difficult, since he's leaving in 3 weeks to move across the country. Of course leave it to me to find a guy that is emotionally unavailable to commit to and that is in no way shape or form a good decision for me to make. With all that has been going on lately, as far as my feelings, emotions not just for him, but in general and where I feel my life should be going, I've gotten on this kick to where I kind of just want to be alone. Not alone in the sense of not having someone to share moments with, but alone in the not in the mood to converse and have to hold conversation with people. That sounds bad but I've been in the mood to just want to sit at home and cuddle and to be around someone and not have to talk. But as far as conversations go and trying to make pleasantries, I'm just not into it.

Now is it because of my mood or is it because I don't trust a lot of people. Mainly anyone outside of my family can I truly trust to be there no matter what. I have friends, just not ones I trust with a lot. I have few (and by few, I can name them on one hand and still have fingers leftover) that I trust enough to confide in, but even then, I don't trust them fully. Every "best friend" I've had has screwed me over in one way or the other. EVERY ONE OF THEM. There is not one of them that I can honestly say I trust with every thing. I don't even like bringing the guys I date around them that much, because believe it or not, some of my best friends have been known to flirt with, or even run off with them. I seriously believe I have a huge issue with trust. It's sad, because I'm willing to trust people that can have more damage on me than others, but the ones I'm close with I should trust more but I don't. The ones I should trust are the ones I'm most leery about. I think its because Ive been burned by so many friends in the past that I know its going to happen again. Its funny, because as much as I know they wouldn't do it to their other friends, but or some reason I think it would happen to me. Because it has in the past. The things they would never do to their other friends, they would do to me. So I don't trust them with everything, and frankly it should bother me more than it does. But since I'm so used to it, it doesn't. I'd trust a guy more than a friend because all they have the real ability to do is break my heart. Which I know how to get over, vs having a friend betray me. I think its because the things I've had done to me, I could never do to a friend. I can't even speak to my friends ex's really because I feel like I'm betraying them. Anywho... thats my ranting for today. Sorry if it's depressing, its true.