The Friends Myth

So there's this myth that everyone tells at one point in their life. It's "let's be friends". Now, there are times when its really not a lie. I truly believe that some people are better off friends than lovers, but other times I think people say it because they are trying to hide what they really want to say. Like, you're hot, and we have a ton of fun, and we don't get on each others nerves, but I'm waiting for someone better.... or whatever the case may be. Seriously, its not like I'm asking for marriage, I'm not even asking for a relationship. I want to be able to hang out and have fun, and not have to worry about boundaries or not being too flirty, or if I get tipsy, not having to worry about wanting to kiss him or whatever, without feeling like I'm pushing the boundaries.

It's not like guys just use that phrase. Girls are completely capable of it too. I've done it, I've used it. I have told guys that have been interested that I just wanted to be friends. I feel like its the easiest way to let them down. I remember using it on a guy, the same time he was asking me to be his girlfriend. I feel horrible about it, but I just couldn't see myself being in a relationship with him. I think thats the reason the line is used. It's not like you don't want to hurt them, its that you just don't want them. You still want them in your life, you still truly want to be friends, but you just don't want them in the way they want you.

It sucks when the line is used on you. Its kind of like you're good enough to be my friend, but not good enough to be more. Or I'm attracted to you, and have to set boundaries because I know I won't be able to stop myself if there aren't boundaries. If there is that kind of attraction it should be sort of a sign right??? If there's a pull to each other its kind of like duh. It's just a phase I'm hoping. I'm just over it. I can be friends, I can be the best friend anyone can have :) That's all I guess. Good night.

My Grown Up Christmas List

So... I just had to email my parents my Christmas list. Now, its not like I asked for a lot of stuff, but enough. It'll keep my parents busy :) lol. But then I started to want to have a list of other things I'd like for Christmas. Not tangible items, well kind of, but just things I can't ask for. Almost like wishes, and goals. So, I'm gonna name them with the deadline as Christmas, well the New Year. (Besides world peace, safety for our soldiers, etc)

- Volunteer. At least 40 hours.

- Finish the first section of my course.

- Host a dinner party. A real one.

- An organized closet.

- I want a movie night. That involves renting a movie, eating ice cream, and cuddling.

- I want to finish over 50% of my Thomas Kinkade artwork.

- Give everyone a personalized gift this holiday season

- Perfect my mashed potatoes, and make the perfect dessert

- Try something new

- I want to go to a Packer game. I have to go to a Packer game!

- Go to a Ducks or a Kings game and a Laker game.

- Finish the 10 books I've started reading.

- Become Betty Crocker this season, and make cookies, brownies, peppermint bark, pies, cakes, etc at least once a week. And give it away.

- I want to fit in my huge collection of jeans again.... meaning I need to work out.

- I want a phone call from someone. That's all. Just a phone call. And I want it to be one that says everything is ok.

OK I think thats all for now. I'll edit more if I think of more :)

No sleep.

I can't sleep, so why not blog? I've been reflecting a lot on the past year in my life, and honestly, I never thought it would be what it is today. A year ago, I was in a career that I thought I'd never leave, doing a job that stressed me out, but I absolutely loved. I was in love with the man I thought I'd spend forever with, and although it wasn't perfect, we at least thought it was going somewhere. I wouldn't have changed my life for anything. Now, I'm in a new career, that I actually truly love. I'm not stressed, I'm not looking over my shoulder for the big mean manager to criticize or change their mind on what they want to focus on, and it's a breath of fresh air. Now the whole relationship thing- I would change, but I'm ok being single. The guy I loved, honestly in retrospect, was probably the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Its not just the break up, but it was the way we did it. It wasn't clean, it was messy, it was back and forth and it was never completely done. Until about a week or so ago. It's the hardest thing to not text or call him, because he was the one person I always went to. But now its not him. He's not there. It's hard knowing that you're alone. Yes I have my friends, but its not the solid support of someone who loves you and wants to be there on your bad days, to rub your back and hold you while you sleep. Ok, so I'm off of that subject.

This year has been a year of changes. New job, new perspective on life, new friends, new everything practically. I've done a lot of firsts, and have made a lot of mistakes, but have also had an amazing first 10 months of the year. That's not to say I have loved every minute of it. I want a few weekends that happened to unhappen, a few nights to just disappear altogether, but its those mistakes that made my new outlook on life. I'm stronger than I thought I could be, and I know that what I've been through and dealt with in this past year, and the past 10 years, I have built strong walls that only let people in so far. No one is in all the way. No one gets my full trust, my heart, none of it. It's sad to say, because I am the hopeless romantic that wants to believe in soulmates, that there is a prince charming for every princess (because we all know I am a princess) I am the girl that believes in happy endings, the one that believes the girl always gets to be the one exception to the rule. I want to be someone's exception.... (name the movie)

Ok. That's all for now. I'm going to try to sleep. Good night world.