The Friends Myth

So there's this myth that everyone tells at one point in their life. It's "let's be friends". Now, there are times when its really not a lie. I truly believe that some people are better off friends than lovers, but other times I think people say it because they are trying to hide what they really want to say. Like, you're hot, and we have a ton of fun, and we don't get on each others nerves, but I'm waiting for someone better.... or whatever the case may be. Seriously, its not like I'm asking for marriage, I'm not even asking for a relationship. I want to be able to hang out and have fun, and not have to worry about boundaries or not being too flirty, or if I get tipsy, not having to worry about wanting to kiss him or whatever, without feeling like I'm pushing the boundaries.

It's not like guys just use that phrase. Girls are completely capable of it too. I've done it, I've used it. I have told guys that have been interested that I just wanted to be friends. I feel like its the easiest way to let them down. I remember using it on a guy, the same time he was asking me to be his girlfriend. I feel horrible about it, but I just couldn't see myself being in a relationship with him. I think thats the reason the line is used. It's not like you don't want to hurt them, its that you just don't want them. You still want them in your life, you still truly want to be friends, but you just don't want them in the way they want you.

It sucks when the line is used on you. Its kind of like you're good enough to be my friend, but not good enough to be more. Or I'm attracted to you, and have to set boundaries because I know I won't be able to stop myself if there aren't boundaries. If there is that kind of attraction it should be sort of a sign right??? If there's a pull to each other its kind of like duh. It's just a phase I'm hoping. I'm just over it. I can be friends, I can be the best friend anyone can have :) That's all I guess. Good night.

My Grown Up Christmas List

So... I just had to email my parents my Christmas list. Now, its not like I asked for a lot of stuff, but enough. It'll keep my parents busy :) lol. But then I started to want to have a list of other things I'd like for Christmas. Not tangible items, well kind of, but just things I can't ask for. Almost like wishes, and goals. So, I'm gonna name them with the deadline as Christmas, well the New Year. (Besides world peace, safety for our soldiers, etc)

- Volunteer. At least 40 hours.

- Finish the first section of my course.

- Host a dinner party. A real one.

- An organized closet.

- I want a movie night. That involves renting a movie, eating ice cream, and cuddling.

- I want to finish over 50% of my Thomas Kinkade artwork.

- Give everyone a personalized gift this holiday season

- Perfect my mashed potatoes, and make the perfect dessert

- Try something new

- I want to go to a Packer game. I have to go to a Packer game!

- Go to a Ducks or a Kings game and a Laker game.

- Finish the 10 books I've started reading.

- Become Betty Crocker this season, and make cookies, brownies, peppermint bark, pies, cakes, etc at least once a week. And give it away.

- I want to fit in my huge collection of jeans again.... meaning I need to work out.

- I want a phone call from someone. That's all. Just a phone call. And I want it to be one that says everything is ok.

OK I think thats all for now. I'll edit more if I think of more :)

No sleep.

I can't sleep, so why not blog? I've been reflecting a lot on the past year in my life, and honestly, I never thought it would be what it is today. A year ago, I was in a career that I thought I'd never leave, doing a job that stressed me out, but I absolutely loved. I was in love with the man I thought I'd spend forever with, and although it wasn't perfect, we at least thought it was going somewhere. I wouldn't have changed my life for anything. Now, I'm in a new career, that I actually truly love. I'm not stressed, I'm not looking over my shoulder for the big mean manager to criticize or change their mind on what they want to focus on, and it's a breath of fresh air. Now the whole relationship thing- I would change, but I'm ok being single. The guy I loved, honestly in retrospect, was probably the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Its not just the break up, but it was the way we did it. It wasn't clean, it was messy, it was back and forth and it was never completely done. Until about a week or so ago. It's the hardest thing to not text or call him, because he was the one person I always went to. But now its not him. He's not there. It's hard knowing that you're alone. Yes I have my friends, but its not the solid support of someone who loves you and wants to be there on your bad days, to rub your back and hold you while you sleep. Ok, so I'm off of that subject.

This year has been a year of changes. New job, new perspective on life, new friends, new everything practically. I've done a lot of firsts, and have made a lot of mistakes, but have also had an amazing first 10 months of the year. That's not to say I have loved every minute of it. I want a few weekends that happened to unhappen, a few nights to just disappear altogether, but its those mistakes that made my new outlook on life. I'm stronger than I thought I could be, and I know that what I've been through and dealt with in this past year, and the past 10 years, I have built strong walls that only let people in so far. No one is in all the way. No one gets my full trust, my heart, none of it. It's sad to say, because I am the hopeless romantic that wants to believe in soulmates, that there is a prince charming for every princess (because we all know I am a princess) I am the girl that believes in happy endings, the one that believes the girl always gets to be the one exception to the rule. I want to be someone's exception.... (name the movie)

Ok. That's all for now. I'm going to try to sleep. Good night world.

I Haven't Forgot

It's been about a month since I've posted a blog on here, and I figured I should update it. Its just that now, there's nothing to rant about :) That should be a good thing. So I guess I'll just update: I got a job (YAY!!!!) I didn't move to Vegas, I'm still single (Which is good right?) Halloween starts the beginning of my favorite season ever! Football, Shopping and Holiday season- AKA Winter!!!! Halloween never seems to fail, decorating starts about the first of October, it's a rule, I can't decorate for the holiday if the holiday is not in the current month. Decorating normally takes a few weeks to finish it all up, but it looks amazing once it's done. We go ALL OUT for the holidays. I'm talking at least $300 a year on new decorations... just for Halloween. Then it starts Thanksgiving decorating, which isn't as much, mainly a table decoration change, and a few towel changes. Then its the whopper of them all Christmas.

See I like decorating and getting in the spirit, and what makes it worse, is that I get obsessed, and by obsessed, it means everything that I see that resembles a holiday decoration thats cute, I buy. Even if I have no where to put it. So, I have totes and totes of decorations. I'm afraid that once I move out with my future husband, he will walk away bc he won't be able to handle all the decorations and the obsessions lol. OH well, if he loves me he loves me for all of me right? SO once I'm done with all the halloween decorations, I will post pictures of my 900 sq ft apartment, and show you just how much stuff I cram in here :) Have a Happy Halloween!!

Trust

It's been a while since I've made a post so here's a new one. So I've tried to start dating someone, and it's difficult, since he's leaving in 3 weeks to move across the country. Of course leave it to me to find a guy that is emotionally unavailable to commit to and that is in no way shape or form a good decision for me to make. With all that has been going on lately, as far as my feelings, emotions not just for him, but in general and where I feel my life should be going, I've gotten on this kick to where I kind of just want to be alone. Not alone in the sense of not having someone to share moments with, but alone in the not in the mood to converse and have to hold conversation with people. That sounds bad but I've been in the mood to just want to sit at home and cuddle and to be around someone and not have to talk. But as far as conversations go and trying to make pleasantries, I'm just not into it.

Now is it because of my mood or is it because I don't trust a lot of people. Mainly anyone outside of my family can I truly trust to be there no matter what. I have friends, just not ones I trust with a lot. I have few (and by few, I can name them on one hand and still have fingers leftover) that I trust enough to confide in, but even then, I don't trust them fully. Every "best friend" I've had has screwed me over in one way or the other. EVERY ONE OF THEM. There is not one of them that I can honestly say I trust with every thing. I don't even like bringing the guys I date around them that much, because believe it or not, some of my best friends have been known to flirt with, or even run off with them. I seriously believe I have a huge issue with trust. It's sad, because I'm willing to trust people that can have more damage on me than others, but the ones I'm close with I should trust more but I don't. The ones I should trust are the ones I'm most leery about. I think its because Ive been burned by so many friends in the past that I know its going to happen again. Its funny, because as much as I know they wouldn't do it to their other friends, but or some reason I think it would happen to me. Because it has in the past. The things they would never do to their other friends, they would do to me. So I don't trust them with everything, and frankly it should bother me more than it does. But since I'm so used to it, it doesn't. I'd trust a guy more than a friend because all they have the real ability to do is break my heart. Which I know how to get over, vs having a friend betray me. I think its because the things I've had done to me, I could never do to a friend. I can't even speak to my friends ex's really because I feel like I'm betraying them. Anywho... thats my ranting for today. Sorry if it's depressing, its true.

A means to an end?

So, I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and my past ones and new ones or prospects or whatsoever. I have this incessant need to keep in contact with an ex. Not any ex, just one. Their is a part of me that thinks its just because I haven't really moved on, and found someone that I actually care about, and have them care equally about me and actually be in a committed relationship. But then there's the hopeless romantic in me that says maybe it's because we're meant to be and we have this pull to each other.

See I always watch the chick flicks and always believe that true love can withstand everyone and everything thrown in it's path. Now mind you, these are scripts that are written for girls just like me, and made to give these girls hope that all men will realize what they lost and just come running back or fly across the country to prove their love, but ya, that doesn't happen in real life.

Now, I would love to say its the first reason, on why I can't get him out of my head, and why I feel drawn to him, but part of me can't say that. I know I've had options, and opportunities to meet new people, to try things out, and date. I have met some decent guys, and I've met some jerks. But throughout them all he's still there. Even if we don't talk, he's there in my head. We've been broken up for 2 years, and he's still the one I vision life with. But it's not like I'm the only one who's drawn, he is too. We both have this need to talk and communicate with each other, and have this pull to each other. So I'm almost tempted to say it is the second reason, but whatever happens will happen. If its meant to be it will be.

Here's the other issue in the mix- he's half way across the country. So for us to even try to make it work, one of us has to move. I would, in a second. But if it were only that simple. UGH. Why do relationships have to be so complicated? I know the smart thing to do is simply cut ties with him and just see what happens, but for me that doesn't seem like a logical conclusion. Who knows, I guess I'll just have to see what happens, and hope that one day he wakes up and decides to take a plane to wherever I am and become my happily ever after. LOL. Right, and then I wake up.

Faith, Hope and Love - Congrats Bri and Ben Harger!!!

Today was a day that renewed my faith in love. Weddings tend to do that to me. One of my friends got married today, and her wedding was gorgeous. Not just the wedding but everything about her day renewed my faith in true love, and actually made my decision of exactly what I want to do with my life. I kinda knew already, but I am definite on this choice.

My friend Brianna married the love of her life Ben today at a gorgeous wedding in Huntington Beach. I've know Brianna for around 9 years now, and we've been through a few relationships together. I met her when my ex boyfriend and her ex boyfriend played soccer together, and although the relationships with those guys didn't last, our friendship did. Seeing her get married today made me realize that true love can exist, and does. The way Ben looks at her melts my heart for her, and she truly loves him just as much.

Now weddings kinda suck if you're single. Which my roommate (who was my +1) and I are. It makes you want that love even more, and it gets your thoughts on the wedding you want and all that stuff. Anyway, one of the best parts of weddings is just at the time when the groom sees his bride for the first time in her dress walking down the aisle. Now, everyone looks at the groom to see his face, but its just as glorious to look at the bride when she sees him for the first time. You see all the love they have for each other, and your heart is overwhelmed with joy for them. But anywho, I walked away from the wedding feeling hopeful that I would find my prince charming one day, and I would get to have my wedding of my dreams, which mind you I've planned it since I was about 10 years old, and although it has changed probably around a thousand times, the only thing that has remained the same is that I want my future husband to look at me with awe when he sees me walking down the aisle for the first time, and I know I want to celebrate my love with all my friends and family. I want my friends to be there dancing with me, and celebrating with me, and I want my parents and family to be there happy for me knowing that I'm going to be with the man I love for the rest of my life. :)

So enough with the mushy stuff, this wedding, well all weddings really, made me want to pursue my career even further. I've already registered for an event planning course, and I already have ALL these ideas in my head, and I can't wait to be able to get started on it!!!! SOOOO if anyone knows someone who wants help with planning a wedding or an event, give me about 3 months, and I'll be good to go, I'll even do it pro bono for a while :) That's all!!!

SO, Congratulations to Ben and Brianna Harger, you two are going to live a wonderful life together, and I'm soo happy for the both of you to have found your soul mate, and it couldn't have been a more beautiful wedding!!!